A Piece on Pride

HAPPY PRIDE MONTH!

To kick off this Pride month, I’d like to talk about coming out. This year I have been thinking a lot about the idea of “coming out”, and if you’re a queer person, you’ve probably already learned that once you come out of the closet, it never actually ends. I remember when I first realized that I was a member of the alphabet mafia, I thought so hard about how I would tell people I wasn’t straight. It was a really big deal for me then. 

But that was nearly seven years ago, and a lot has changed since then, not just in my own life but in the world. However, since the first time I came out, I have made the choice to come out almost every single day of my life. Prior to being married, it seemed like I brought up my partner in every conversation, and when I did, I always said “my girlfriend”, as if that was her name. This was a choice on my part, because I could’ve kept it vague and used other terms and pronouns to keep it a secret, or I could’ve never mentioned her at all. This is and was my choice. However, every time I made that choice was another coming out. 

THE CLOSET

Coming out the closet is a pretty shitty metaphor if you think about it. In literal terms I’ve never come out of any closets — one of  the many perks of living in NYC is that you have no closet space — so that metaphor doesn’t quite sit right with me. Coming out felt more like knocking down my childhood home. This life I lived and the memories in it were still there, but this picture I had of it changed. And afterwards I was left to pick up the pieces. The pieces of me I’d lived my whole life with and now had to figure out how they fit into my new home. A lot of them look differently now. 

Perhaps my biggest battle has been against internalized homophobia, and I know that this isn’t something unique to me, I think most people experience this. There’s a trauma associated with coming of age in a society that is cis and heteronormative. It tells you that you’re other, and being “othered” your whole life comes with defensive mechanisms, denial, forced or voluntary assimilation, it comes with a slew of issues that most queer folx have had the unpleasure of sifting through in their adulthood. 

I am very fortunate. I have a family that accepted me the moment I came out. Even when they didn’t know how to handle it, or said the wrong things, they never made me feel anything less than loved and accepted. As the middle child, I never felt more openly accepted by anyone than I did after I came out. It seemed as though everyone made an extra effort to ensure that I knew they didn’t care if I was gay or not. I know how rare and beautiful that is, and I will never take that for granted. 

But in spite of all the outward acceptance I had, I couldn’t find it in myself to accept it. I joined a queer community, I went to pride, I learned about the history, I educated myself on different groups within the LGBTQIA+ community, I read any queer book I could get my hands on. But that didn’t change how I felt inside. There was always this voice in my head that told me not to do things or not to wear things, or say things, because I never wanted to be a “dyke”. How incredibly ignorant and sad.

CONCLUSION

It took years of therapy, self-love practices, meditation, and even some prayer, before I was able to quiet my internalized homophobia. I say quiet and not get rid of, because I think some things don’t ever fully go away. But I believe in active learning and unlearning. I think there are plenty of unintentional biases that I have grown up with or been conditioned to believe and I think that it is a never ending process of unlearning them and rewriting the way you see the world. I think I am the most anti-homophobic I’ve ever been, but I also know that there is so much I’m still learning. 

I’ve learned that homophobia and transphobia are tied in with misogyny and racism. And that to be anti-bias or anti-racist, you have to constantly unlearn and rewrite your thinking and your perception. You have to be open to listening and meditating on experiences that aren’t your own. I think that accepting myself as worthy and embracing the full spectrum of my queer identity has been a lifelong process that may never end. It has led me to dark and scary places but it’s also led me to life-altering experiences and unbreakable relationships. 

I have never been more exhilarated, exhausted, terrified, and genuinely joyful, than now that I’ve begun to accept myself. I think every year around Pride month I learn something new about myself, my community, and I become more anti-bias. Every time I come out, whether it’s a passive “my girlfriend” in conversation, or a full-on declaration, it brings me closer to who I’m supposed to be. 

It shouldn’t matter who you are or who you love, but in our world it does. And allowing yourself to fully embrace that part of who you are is life-changing. I am proud of my queer identity, regardless of how it’s changed over time. I believe that sexuality and gender identity are fluid with the potential to grow and change through our lifetimes; this change is good and should be welcome. 

Be proud of who you are, of who you’ve been, and of who you’re becoming. Whether you can or will or already have come out shouldn’t matter. Coming out is usually seen as “the first step” but it doesn’t have to be. There are plenty of ways to experience and live your own truth and queerness. Forge your own path, and whatever you’re doing, love yourself and others deeply and fully. In the end, it’s the only thing we’ve got to give, so give as much as you can. 

And lastly, Happy Pride!